Ten Steps to Loving Yourself, Having Good Relationships and Being Successful

Following are the ten steps to loving yourself, having good relationships and being successful. They are at the conclusion of the book

First, value yourself. You’re important, not because of what you have, but because of who you are. Nothing can make you inferior. No matter what happens to you, you’re always worthy. Other people can’t make you inferior, and even you can’t put you down. Thinking you’re inferior is a fantasy. By thinking you’re inferior, you suffer in vain, when you could be enjoying the fact that you’re unique and special.
Second, overcome pride. Many people confuse pride with self-value. They think that by having an arrogant attitude or by putting other people down they can have self-esteem. Nothing could be further from the truth. The more worth you feel, the more humble you are. Pride shows a lack of self-esteem. You’re proud because you don’t believe you’re valuable. You put other people down because you feel inferior to them. When you believe in your worth, you don’t need to boast anymore.
Third, love yourself unconditionally. Accept yourself as you are. You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. If there’s a war going on inside you, there will be a war going on outside. When you love yourself, you believe in people’s love and as a result, you love them. Love isn’t an obsession, it’s a principle. When you love someone, you don’t do things for them because you feel a strong compulsion to do them. You act out of your will. When you love, you keep your promises and are a person of character.
Fourth, forgive yourself. We have a tendency to judge and condemn ourselves for things we’ve done in the past. Miguel Ruiz says in his book The Four Agreements that the human being is the only one who pays several times for the same mistake. We also condemn ourselves for things we do on a daily basis. When we mix all those condemnations together, we realize why we’re so unhappy. Forgive yourself and you’ll find happiness. Stop criticizing yourself and making a big deal out of your faults and you’ll be a better person, for good comes from love. You’ll never overcome your shortcomings while putting yourself down. The way to perfection is through forgiveness. You aren’t perfect to forgive yourself. You forgive yourself to be perfect.
Fifth, overcome anger. You feel angry because you don’t value yourself unconditionally. Every time you feel inferior, you become angry. You’re angry because you allow things to shape your self-image. You might think that you need to be angry to get people to respect you. However, by being angry, you show a lack of self-control and an inability to love yourself and others unconditionally.
Sixth, believe in yourself. You are what you think you are. You’ll never reach higher than you think you deserve. You attract to yourself the very things you expect. Expect good things, and you get good things. Expect bad things, and you get bad things. If you focus your mind on problems, failures, and fears, you’ll attract them like a magnet. Victory is on the inside. Set your mind to be a victor, be positive about your future, and you’ll see things turn out for the best.
Seventh, overcome the victim mentality. Your life isn’t the result of outside forces and influences. If you’ve allowed circumstances and people to shape your destiny, it was your choice. You can’t blame other people for poor results, when it was you who gave them the right to control your life. Don’t give other people permission to manipulate you and to have power over your outcome. You be the one who makes the choices. Don’t victimize yourself to get people’s love. Crying over your fate won’t prompt compassion. You don’t need to be bad to be loved. You have many qualities that make you worth being loved without having to resort to self-pity to gain appreciation. You’re unique, special, and talented. You don’t need people’s mercy, because you’re a victor and not a victim.
Eighth, overcome your fears. You fear that something bad might happen because you wouldn’t value and love yourself if that thing happened. You project your lack of self-love to other people and think that they wouldn’t love you, either. When you love yourself unconditionally, you no longer fear rejection. You believe in other people’s love because you love yourself.
Ninth, don’t demand from yourself. You can do things because you have to do them or because you want to do them. Although it sounds the same, it’s completely different. When you do things because you have to do them, you don’t take pleasure in the doing. You can’t have contentment while you force yourself and demand from yourself. When you do things because you want to do them, you have pleasure, because you love yourself every step of the way toward getting what you want. Love makes life enjoyable. When you love yourself, you stop criticizing yourself every time you make a mistake and you don’t push yourself beyond your limits. As a result, you have more fun throughout the process, which causes you to reach your goals faster.
Tenth, learn to say no. In order to say no, you need to believe in your own love and in other people’s love. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. Quite the opposite, saying no shows that you trust other people’s love and you love them. You say no to them because you believe they’re able to understand and love you unconditionally. Believing in other people’s love lets you say no with grace and respect. Your no is so confident and polite that it sounds like a yes. You say no with your mouth, but you say yes with your heart. You aren’t afraid of being rejected. You also don’t doubt your intentions and emotions. You know that you’re a good person and that you have other people’s best interests in mind. You believe in your judgment and decisions, and you express that when you say no.
© 2007 Claudio Vargas Silva