Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Shyness
Shyness is an emotion characterized by an exaggerated fear of being judged, ridiculed or rejected. People with this problem think that others are looking at their every movement in order to see their flaws and they are obsessively worried about making mistakes and attracting ridicule. The fear of being rejected causes discomfort and stress to the point that they prefer to be alone.
Shy people dread performing in public. Activities such as giving a lecture, speaking in front of class, participating in role-play, and performing music cause distress and anxiety and they may totally avoid these activities in order to escape the emotional pain. They also fear interacting with other people. They feel uncomfortable in the presence of others, especially if they are strangers and superiors in hierarchy such as teachers or bosses. They might have difficulty dating and might cling to unfulfilling relationships for fear of getting to know new people.
Behind shyness lies a profound lack of self-esteem, a disbelief in oneself and an anticipation of failure. There is an unrealistic demand for perfection followed by feelings of guilt and shame when the person thinks that perfection was not achieved. The individual thinks that others are seeing the same negative things he perceives in himself and they are extremely disappointed with him. The rejection he fears from others is an extension of his own rejection. He cannot accept himself so he thinks that others also cannot accept him.
Shy people are extremely worried about pleasing others. The need to feel accepted is so intense that the opposite, i.e. rejection is the worst possible outcome. They not only see rejection everywhere, but also exaggerate or magnify real rejection. As a result, a simple joke is perceived as a mock and positive feedback is taken as an insult or not genuine. In their eyes people are always interested in ridiculing and debasing them.
They dread making mistakes. They see every small mistake as a terrible blunder and they not only anticipate making mistakes but also believe that they will perform poorly. Such fear causes them to be overly sensitized about performing poorly. Everything they say or do seem to be out of context and they can’t help but think that they are a failure.
Fear prevents the individual from performing well, for it brings about what is feared. He or she may stutter, have slips of the tongue, and make small mistakes which cause even more fear. Some somatic symptoms are also a consequence of shyness, such as “palpitations, tremors, sweating, gastrointestinal discomfort, diarrhea, muscle tension and blushing” (American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 451). In some cases people may get to the point where they have panic attacks. In order to avoid this discomfort, some individuals steer away from performing in front of others or having social contact with strangers. Although they might escape from the anxiety, they end up not confronting and resolving the real problem.
If you are shy, you may find out which irrational beliefs are causing the fear and replace them with rational beliefs. You may test your beliefs about being ignored, rejected or ridiculed by going to a social gathering and noticing people’s reactions to you. When you test your irrational beliefs against the reality, you’ll realize that the only rejection is your rejection of yourself. If someone really rejects you, learn not to magnify it or make it worse than it is.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Ashbaugh, A., & Antony, M. M. (2002). Social anxiety disorder. Retrieved October 25, 2008, from http://www.anxietytreatment.ca/socialphobia.htm
Nevid, J. S., Rathus, S. A., & Greene, B. (2006). Abnormal psychology in a changing world (6th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education.
Shy people dread performing in public. Activities such as giving a lecture, speaking in front of class, participating in role-play, and performing music cause distress and anxiety and they may totally avoid these activities in order to escape the emotional pain. They also fear interacting with other people. They feel uncomfortable in the presence of others, especially if they are strangers and superiors in hierarchy such as teachers or bosses. They might have difficulty dating and might cling to unfulfilling relationships for fear of getting to know new people.
Behind shyness lies a profound lack of self-esteem, a disbelief in oneself and an anticipation of failure. There is an unrealistic demand for perfection followed by feelings of guilt and shame when the person thinks that perfection was not achieved. The individual thinks that others are seeing the same negative things he perceives in himself and they are extremely disappointed with him. The rejection he fears from others is an extension of his own rejection. He cannot accept himself so he thinks that others also cannot accept him.
Shy people are extremely worried about pleasing others. The need to feel accepted is so intense that the opposite, i.e. rejection is the worst possible outcome. They not only see rejection everywhere, but also exaggerate or magnify real rejection. As a result, a simple joke is perceived as a mock and positive feedback is taken as an insult or not genuine. In their eyes people are always interested in ridiculing and debasing them.
They dread making mistakes. They see every small mistake as a terrible blunder and they not only anticipate making mistakes but also believe that they will perform poorly. Such fear causes them to be overly sensitized about performing poorly. Everything they say or do seem to be out of context and they can’t help but think that they are a failure.
Fear prevents the individual from performing well, for it brings about what is feared. He or she may stutter, have slips of the tongue, and make small mistakes which cause even more fear. Some somatic symptoms are also a consequence of shyness, such as “palpitations, tremors, sweating, gastrointestinal discomfort, diarrhea, muscle tension and blushing” (American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 451). In some cases people may get to the point where they have panic attacks. In order to avoid this discomfort, some individuals steer away from performing in front of others or having social contact with strangers. Although they might escape from the anxiety, they end up not confronting and resolving the real problem.
If you are shy, you may find out which irrational beliefs are causing the fear and replace them with rational beliefs. You may test your beliefs about being ignored, rejected or ridiculed by going to a social gathering and noticing people’s reactions to you. When you test your irrational beliefs against the reality, you’ll realize that the only rejection is your rejection of yourself. If someone really rejects you, learn not to magnify it or make it worse than it is.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (4th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.
Ashbaugh, A., & Antony, M. M. (2002). Social anxiety disorder. Retrieved October 25, 2008, from http://www.anxietytreatment.ca/socialphobia.htm
Nevid, J. S., Rathus, S. A., & Greene, B. (2006). Abnormal psychology in a changing world (6th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
The Law of Attraction
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” (Mark 11:24)Many writers nowadays have written about the importance of expecting good things. The law of attraction has become very popular. According to the law of attraction, whatever you anticipate and expect will happen to you. In other words, whatever you put your mind on will come to you. This principle isn’t new. It’s the same truth Jesus said 2,000 years ago, although with slightly different words. He said that when we ask for something in prayer, we need to feel like if we have received it already.
For example, let’s pretend that you’re in debt, and because of this you’re anxious, uptight, and worried. You can’t think about anything else. You anticipate losing your credit, your assets, and your reputation. How would you feel if you were debt free? Would you feel relaxed, happy, and free? If this is how you would feel, you must feel this way now. After you pray and ask God to free you from debt, you must feel as if you were already debt free. This is what having faith means. You expect good things all the time. You live as if you were what you intend to be. You feel as if your life were the way you would like it to be.
You might be wondering how you could be happy even though your life isn’t perfect. How can you be happy if you’re in debt, if your marriage isn’t good, and you’re sick? Do you have power over your feelings? The answer is yes. You can be happy by choice.
Look at what Jesus said about not worrying, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25)
In other words, Jesus said that we don’t worry because we have problems, but because we have a tendency to worry. Worrying is a habit that we form when we’re young. We worry because we saw our parents worrying, and then we think it’s the way to be. We unconsciously assume that we have to worry. We think that being relaxed and faithful amidst adversity is a sign of irresponsibility.
However, worrying is lack of faith and a bad habit. In order to overcome worry we need to make a choice. Jesus said, “… You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32) Worrying is a bondage and it can be cured with a decision. We need to make a decision that from now on we will live in expectancy. We will anticipate blessings and we will celebrate our victories before they occur.
There is a difference between losers and winners. Losers are always thinking about problems and who is to blame. They regret their past mistakes, they blame people for what happened to them and they think that everything is lost. They are always expecting that something bad will happen. Winners, however, are always thinking about solutions. They see blessings coming their way and they are always celebrating. Their life is a constant worship.
I ask that from now on, you act as if your life was the way you would like it to be. Make a list of good things you want, ask God to give them to you, and then feel as if they were already yours. Thank God for having given you what you asked him.
Make a choice to be happy. Happiness is like a magnet that attracts blessings. Your blessings are proportional to your happiness. J
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